Category Archives: Blog

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manYou’ve been on a girls’ night out with your friends and got talking to someone who caught your eye. He approached you and started a conversation that had you feeling weak at the knees. He made eye contact, smiled a friendly smile, smelled great and looked even better! The conversation flowed effortlessly and before you knew it, he’d asked you for or your number. You happily exchanged digits and looked forward to his call.

Within a few hours he’d sent you a text to say how lovely it was to meet you. The next day, he phoned you. You had a great conversation about your day and you made plans to meet up at the weekend.

The next few days were spent in “la la” land. You couldn’t focus on anything else. Your work became uninteresting, you forgot to eat, you spent all your time thinking about this new person. You even fantasised about the honeymoon after your lavish wedding! When you spoke to your friends, guess who was the topic of conversation?

You’re smitten. You haven’t felt this great in ages! The weekend took ages to come around…

Finally the day arrived and you spent every moment focusing on what you’d wear, where you’d both go, how the date would turn out. You had already decided you wanted to be with this person, even though you barely knew him. You were on a date with someone you founnd incredibly attractive. Those eyes, you couldn’t stop staring into them. You felt swept away with the gorgeousness of this human being. Surely it’s a crime for someone to be this good looking? Your body responded to his voice, you felt such a strong sense of physical attraction and struggled to recall a time when you felt that good!!

It’s easy to think these feelings are real. It’s common to believe your strong sense of attraction signals this relationship is meant to be! All too often, singles fall into the trap of moving ahead quickly with someone they feel such a strong attraction only to discover that their initial feelings cast a shadow over the truth. This may not be the best match for you. It’s hard to discern when your feelings are so strong! It’s hard to distinguish between what is real and what is fantasy.

Take a breath and pause for a second. Ask yourself, “Do I have sufficient information to know this relationship would work?”

If you haven’t got enough information about this person and are unsure whether your relationship would work, then stop yourself from making one of the biggest mistakes of your life. Moving ahead quickly with someone you find incredibly attractive before you’ve even found out anything about them, may lead you down a path of heartbreak and destruction.

Take your time, get to know each other, find out if your requirements would be met. Ask questions, observe, discover the truth.

People spend more time choosing their car than they do the one thing that could significantly impact the rest of their life. Their relationships. Please don’t be one of those people.

Choosing your life partner isn’t something to rush into. Enjoy the process. Know what you want. Believe you deserve to have what you want and let the universe take care of the rest. While you’re dating, seek the help of a qualified professional to help you make conscious decisions for your life.

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Are You Waiting for Love to Show Up?

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fairystoriesWhen we’re growing up, we’re fed stories of magic and make belief. They’re fun stories most of the time, but they’ve become imprinted in our minds and often have created a false belief that somehow love just happens. It’s something I’ve come across many times when speaking to the single men and women I’ve worked with over the years. When I begin to share with them how they can be the creator of their love life, I’m often met with scepticism and disbelief. Surely love is something you can’t control they say. When you meet someone, sparks fly, you feel like they’re the only person in the room and you “just know!”

Well, how is that working for the majority of people? The truth is, it isn’t! Millions of singles are proof of that. There are now apps for that! Can you believe in today’s world, finding true love has been melted down into a phone app?

I digress. But seriously, believing that one day your prince charming or sleeping beauty will simply show up on your doorstep, or bump into you at the checkout when you’re buying your meal for one, is simply fooling yourself. You could wait a long time and what would you do if it just never happens?

Yes, I’ve heard people say “Well, if that’s the case, it’s because it just isn’t meant to be.” What? Do you really mean that love isn’t meant to happen for you? I totally disagree and that’s why I’m so passionate about sharing as much of this information with as many people as possible. 

I spoke to someone the other day and she told me she was fine with not ever meeting the right person. She was happy with the little crumbs she got from the one man who was paying her some attention, albeit a small and measly amount!

There are countless stories I could share with you of the dear souls who accept the booty call in the middle of the night and think this is love in the making! They take what’s available and think that’s all they deserve. It breaks my heart and makes me even more determined to encourage these men and women to learn exactly how to make their love life a priority, a decision and a choice.

When you know what you want and believe you deserve it, you then begin to focus on making it happen. You don’t spend your life accepting less than you deserve or taking the little bits of offerings from people who don’t really love you.

Take a moment and write down exactly what you want for your relationship. Ask yourself some questions about the life you’d like to have with this person. Write it all down and then read it on a regular basis, every day if possible. Make a close connection with this and then pay attention to what shows up for you.

If you want to be in a loving committed relationship with someone but you’re accepting the booty call in the middle of the night, guess what…your prince charming or sleeping beauty is never going to show up because you’re spending your time with someone who isn’t even close to what you’re really looking for.

To find out more about how to make your relationship dream a reality, join me for my monthly tele-series: Find Love in 2016.

Funny Fairy Tale Stock Photo by AKARAKINGDOMS Image ID: 100179957

Can Your Hook Up Last?

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Have you ever convinced yourself you just want to have a bit of a laugh with someone and then see how things go? Perhaps you’ve considered dating for fun and if things work out with the other person, you’ll become more committed to the relationship and it will be a success.

Couple Lying In Bed Back-to-back by AmbroI’ve spoken to singles who have made it crystal clear that all they want is a relaxed, easy going ‘bit of casual fun.’ They’ve communicated they’re not looking for anything serious and most definitely not in a place in their lives to give total attention to a full time relationship. However, when they start seeing someone, begin to enjoy the other person’s company, feel like they get along well and even start enjoying their sex life, they begin to believe this is the recipe for a long term relationship. They want to turn their casual experience into something more meaningful.

Dating for a long term relationship and dating for fun are very different. The way you date and how you choose will differ. If you have decided you want to date to meet your life partner, you need to be clear within yourself about what you’re expectations are, what you really want and what you won’t tolerate. You need to know this and be able to communicate what you want to others.  You will look for someone who meets your standard of a life partner relationship.  Be true to yourself and go for what you want.

When you’re dating for fun, you’re not attached to how things turn out. You have less invested in the other person and can happily and maybe even easily walk away when you feel like it. Lots of singles “hook up” nowadays, and if that’s what you want then that’s entirely your choice. The thing is, when you think the hook up can become something it’s not, that’s when you can hit a big snag in the road.

John and Sarah

When John began dating Sarah, he made it clear he was looking for commitment. He spoke those very words right at the beginning of their adventure. She heard him, however, she wasn’t listening. She said she was only looking for some fun and wanted something casual. He thought it was better than nothing, so he went along with it. They dated for two years. During the relationship, John continued looking for women who also wanted to be in a committed relationship. However, he didn’t tell Sarah.

Sarah began to develop feelings for John and was devastated when he started to demonstrate his lack of interest. He had already made the decision in his mind that Sarah was not the person he was going to spend his life with. Sure, they had a lot of fun. But what he was looking for was someone who wanted to settle down and have a family with him. Their short lived relationship was never going to be anything other than the “bit of casual fun” Sarah had stated she wanted right from the start.

John knew he wanted more. He believed Sarah only wanted something casual and wasn’t interested in anything serious or long term. Her growing feelings for him made her change her mind about what she wanted. She thought they could make this relationship work and did everything she could to help him see her in another light.

Sarah made the mistake a lot of singles make. She thought she could turn her “fun casual” into “long term serious”. But both her and John had started on a different path. His desire for commitment and her desire for fun, altered the destiny of their relationship from the beginning. Whilst not impossible, it’s difficult to turn this kind of situation around, unless all your requirements are met.

What to do:

Know what you want.

Go for what you want.

Don’t accept less than this.

Hire a coach to help you.

 

Photo:  Couple Lying In Bed Back-to-back by Ambro

When You Feel There’s No One Available for You!

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womaninfieldofpoppiesBy the time you reach my age, all the great men are already taken!” I listened as Joanne spoke these words with such conviction. Her experience of relationships had been sporadic. She found herself in and out of relationships and continued to repeat patterns she was unconscious of.

Our work focused on her delving into what was holding her back from enjoying a loving lasting relationship. She had a lot of pain from previous experiences and had a fear that it would happen again. She was beginning to feel she was running out of time and that there weren’t going to be any men left by the time she got around to fixing her problems and becoming ready to start dating again. Her fear caused her to rush into new relationships without giving herself time to get to know the other person and without knowing what she was really looking for.

The rushing into new relationships caused her to make hasty decisions and repeat mistakes over and over. Each time it happened, she would have to pick up the pieces and recover all over again.

When you believe there is a lack of suitable dates available to you, you’re more likely to expect less than you deserve or want, take what’s available rather than be left alone and run the risk of spending the rest of your days as a single person. The trouble is, settling for less than you deserve or want will bring exactly that to your experience. Eventually it will cause you to feel resentment when the relationship doesn’t quite turn out the way you’d hoped. You’re then back to the beginning and have to start all over, or you’re left in a less than satisfying relationship always looking over your shoulder for something better to show up!

Relationship failure is common when you accept what’s given from a place of lack and scarcity, rather than choose from an empowered place. Your belief that there aren’t enough suitable dates for you, leads you to make poor choices and accept less than you deserve.

Let’s take a look at some statistics. I live in London and according to a recent survey, there are “155 single men per 100 single women.(The Independent June 2014)

Large Group Of People At London Cityscape Stock Photo shirophotoAlthough the two biggest hotspots for single men are in the capital, with 155 men per 100 women in the City of London, and 126 men per 100 women in the borough of Newham, a higher ratio of single men to women can be found in rural areas, such as the Isles of Scilly (119 per 100), Forest Heath, Suffolk (117 per 100), and Copeland, Cumbria (115 per 100). The top hotspots for single females are Knowsley, Merseyside, with 120 women per 100 men, and the London boroughs of Enfield (116 per 100) and Wandsworth (114 per 100). Others include Barking and Dagenham, Chichester and Bromley – all of which have 113 single women per 100 men.

Looking at these numbers, we can see that the often firmly held belief about there being a lack of suitable men and women just isn’t true.

So, if you have this belief running your dating decisions, what can you do about it?

First of all, it’s vital that you’re super clear on what you’re looking for in a relationship. Take time to focus on the essential qualities of your ideal relationship and write them down. Do you want to get married? Have children? Travel? Build a business together? Whatever it is for you, get clear on it and then stick to that. Don’t deviate from it. If you want to get married and have children and someone shows up in your life who says s/he feels marriage is over rated and having children would interfere with his/her desire to enjoy life, walk away.

Being clear about what you want is essential.

The next thing you must do is be patient. When your belief about there being a lack of suitable dates around has been running the show for a while, it’s common to slip up when someone appears in your life. Take your time to get to know them and find out what is real. Knowing what you want will help you make better choices and decisions when it comes to letting someone into your life.

Saying Yes!

Once you’re clear about what you want and have made a commitment to only enter into a relationship with someone who meets all the criteria for your ideal relationship, you will be able to confidently decline when an invitation comes along from someone who isn’t a good match.

  • Believe you deserve to have what you want in love!
  • Don’t settle for less than you deserve.
  • If you’re unsure of how to do this, get some help from a professional.

Join me for my free monthly tele-series “Find Love in 2016!”

Large Group Of Peaple At London Cityscape Stock Photo Photo by shirophoto.

When You Focus on Physical Appearance of Others!

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 uptown-professional-black-manDuring my previous post, I discussed the common mistake singles make when it comes to dating. The need to sell themselves and put on a false front to attract someone. Today, I’m speaking about something similar, only this time it’s all about the outer appearance of the other person.

Over the years, I’ve worked with many singles who speak about what they’re looking for in a partner. Sometimes, I hear the person is looking for commitment, fidelity, honesty and love. However, I also hear the physical appearance of the person they’re looking for is the most important feature! When I ask if this truly is the number one thing that will help them know this person is their dream partner, I am met with confusion. “Well, of course, how else am I supposed to know if I’m attracted to someone? I have a type that I like and that’s what gets me interested.” Does this sound familiar to you?

One client I worked with had spent her adult life focusing on the physical appearance and external features of the men she dated. She looked for tall, fit, good looking men who drove nice cars and had a job that wouldn’t cause her embarrassment. She wanted to look good on his arm. Her main focus was how they appeared to others. When I asked her how that worked out, she sunk into a sigh and shared that it always came to an end when she realised the lack of compatibility, similar interests and increased conflict. It seemed they were always only after one thing from her. She felt she couldn’t be herself with them. When she shared the need for a deeper connection, this is where the troubles started, until eventually they both decided to go their separate ways.

During our coaching sessions, she realised where she had been going wrong and decided she wanted to try something new. Opening her eyes to a more authentic approach, was daunting at first. She did it, however, and over several months was able to see the difference in the men she attracted. She was amazed when she noticed the men who showed interest in her, were not just physically attracted to her, they also wanted to get to know her on an intellectual and emotional level. This had never happened before and she began to make better choices and decisions about the men she went on dates with. Eventually, she met someone who matched all her requirements!

Whilst physical attraction and chemistry are important factors, they don’t stand alone as the key features of a loving, committed, long-term relationship. When you are clear on what you’re really looking for in a relationship, you will be able to look beyond what’s staring you in the face and seek for real compatibility. This is based on your values, the vision you have for your life and who you truly are.

If you’re someone who makes decisions about who to date based on their physical appearance and seem to be always in a perpetual cycle of dating people who aren’t a good match for you, now is a good time to try something new.

Join me for my monthly tele-series to help you Find Love in 2016!

Photo: Uptownmagazine.com

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Law of Attraction in Action!

MAEVE_MELENIK_NEFERATITILast summer, I was interviewed for a documentary that was being filmed by award winning film maker Menelik Shabazz. After a brief introductory phone conversation, followed by a more involved discussion about relationships and the intention of the film, I was invited to take part.

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